Candid and Cringe

Ep. 007
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[00:00:00] Thuy Doan: Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of Candid and Cringe, a podcast about growth and the roller coaster of life. Today's episode is a special one. It's a big birthday month here on my side of the world. It is my dad's birthday month. Technically, it's also my brother's birthday month. Him and my brother share a birthday. But, this episode is going to be about my dad.

[00:00:43] I'm probably going to call it Happy Birthday Ba, which is the word for dad in Vietnamese. Ba slash dad. His birthday is March 27th. Um, I'm probably going to release this episode sometime around [00:01:00] that date. But, the idea is I wanted to dedicate an episode to what kind of person he was and my memories of him.

[00:01:12] I think in a previous episode, I mentioned that, you know, aside from helping other people, I also view these podcasts as a way to cheat death. I'm really, really afraid of dying. Yes, people often talk about how, you know, as long as the people behind remember you, you'll never be forgotten. But, my thing is even, even that ends. Those people will die someday.

[00:01:41] And unless you're like a Nobel prize winner or an athlete, or some person with an, with big feats in this world, um, maybe cynical, but how are you going to be remembered? So even if I'm never famous or impact as many [00:02:00] people as I want to impact, at least if I'm on the internet, and my dad's memories are on the internet, or at least from my perspective, in a sense we never die.

[00:02:12] That's my way. That's at least the way I've rationalized it. Uh, I don't know how emotional this, uh, this episode is going to be. We'll see. Wouldn't be surprised if I cried somewhere in here. That should be fun for my patrons. But, as always, this is a candid podcast. So if there are tears, there are tears. If there are not, there are none,

[00:02:34] there are none. So, who was my dad? I guess I can start with his name. His name was Binh. B I N H. Binh Doan. Mr. Binh Doan. In Vietnamese, uh, we... The way the names are read is last name slash family name, then middle name then given slash first name. So his [00:03:00] name in Vietnamese, and his mother tongue, was Doan Thanh Binh. That's with all the tones.

[00:03:08] Um, I guess if I had to north Americanize the way that's read in the right order, it's probably something like Doan Thanh Binh. That's my dad. He was, what year would he... let's see if I can math here. He would be turning uh 57. 57! Man, 57 this year. He passed away, along with my mom, in a car accident back in 2018.

[00:03:39] And it's weird. It's weird to say... it's already here. It's weird to say that he is 57, or that he would, because he was nowhere near 60 when he passed. So that's what...[00:04:00]

[00:04:04] Yeah, he would be turning 57 this year. Um, I would classify him as a hard worker. Hard worker. Provider. Um, in his culture, head of the family. He worked in Tool and Die. Uh, when he, when he came over here. Specifically, a mold finisher. So what I understand of like tool and die... there's the people who create the molds, like car molds.

[00:04:35] And then there's people who polish the molds, uh, fir clients and his business was in the polishing, the finishing part, part of the chain. With his profession he started out, out by working for other people. You know, learning the craft, learning the trade. And eventually he opened his own shop. He opened his own shop. But, before we get further [00:05:00] into that, like how did he come to this point in his life?

[00:05:05] Well, I think we'd be, it'd be remiss to not mention how he came to Canada period. Like he went through some hardships, um, before he came here. Something I will be trying really hard not to do is mention his siblings, my aunts and uncles, as well as my siblings. I've kind of gotten into a sticky situation before as the person who...

[00:05:32] ...wrote and gave a eulogy for my dad, well, my parents, when they passed away. Um, I didn't think that I was saying anything wrong. Um, when I wrote the eulogy, I'd mentioned like in passing, like his family members, but it turns out they didn't like me mentioning them. So I will refrain from doing that. And also just to keep the focus on the right person, which is my dad and[00:06:00]

[00:06:00] his relationship with me and how I remember him. But anyways, he grew up in Vietnam. He was from the north. Uh, my mom was conversely from the south, uh, but he was one of 10 kids. I think that's okay to say. I'm not mentioning anybody specifically. One of 10 kids, one of the 10 kids. His dad passed away when he was like in grade 10

[00:06:22] and he ended up dropping out of school to help... not saying that he was the only person to help... provide for the family. That's a whole 15 year old guy, man, boy, dropping out of school to work. He was, he was, uh, I would say he was really business savvy. He knew how, what it was like to hustle and grind since he was a teen.

[00:06:50] Maybe even before that. He would uh he had great business sense. He would, uh, he would buy cigars [00:07:00] on one side of the city and then go on the other side of the city and sell the cigars for more than he bought them. And that's how he would make money. I'm sure he did other things, but that's the thing that really stood out to me. Later on in life,

[00:07:13] like he would be really handy. Like he, at my parents' home, there's like two sheds in the back. He built those sheds himself. Like I remember him putting together the frames and like, yeah, there was a day where my cousins and my partner were there to help, like kind of like, like lift the frame up so that it would stand, but my dad made those sheds.

[00:07:39] He fled Vietnam. Um, you know, just in search of freedom, a better life. Uh, I remember him telling me that people had to resort to eating rats on these tiny ass, if you could even call them boats. Like, in my mind, they're more like [00:08:00] kayaks, canoes, something, you know, something small. It was not like, you know how you see people on boats, uh, in the harbour or something like that.

[00:08:11] It's not like that. But he fled the country, went to a refugee camp in, I believe Cambodia where my mom also happened to be. Spent some amount of time there and eventually was fortunate enough to come to Canada, um, and become a citizen. You know, once he built a life with my mom over here, he at the time was still a smoker.

[00:08:42] Um, I think he smoked for a good amount of his early life into his midlife, but eventually he got to the point where he realized, ah, I, uh, I have children. I have children and I probably need to stop [00:09:00] this. So eventually he did. He did. But, I do have memories of him smoking in the back yard. But, I'm happy for his health and for the kiddies' health that he stopped smoking.

[00:09:17] Some of my fondest memories with him are like really random. Like he used to save like any spare change that he would have and put it in like a tin. Put it in a tin and then once it got full, he would bring the tin home. And then dump it on we'd we've just dump it on the floor. And like all the, the us five kids would crowd around the money. The coins. And we would count them all kind of like split them all up into like, here are the toonies, here are the loonies, quarters, and split them. Split them amongst us five.

[00:09:55] And that was like money for us. [00:10:00] Uh, when I got older, We definitely butt heads more. Um, we were both really headstrong. Headstrong with like differing values, uh, I guess because of our differing upbringings. Um, so whenever we fought we'd we'd fight. Um, but also, especially after I graduated school, we bonded a lot more, uh, bonded a lot more with the types of responsibilities we had, like him as a dad and me as a person, as a sister.

[00:10:39] Um, when I was growing up in school, he was very, very protective of us, particularly his daughters. Um, I wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone besides women when I was in grade school and high school. Couldn't go, couldn't go to the prom party. [00:11:00] Like I went to prom, I had a date even, uh, but did not go to the prom party prom party.

[00:11:06] It was like, yeah. Once the, once the prom prom is done, you're going home. Um, if, if he ever were to witness me interact with a, with a guy, it would be questions galore. Questions and skeptical hippo eyes galore. Uh, I remember in high school, somebody came and gave me a fist bump. And when I got to the car, cause my dad was picking me up,

[00:11:31] I think my mom was there too, and they were both just like, who is that? What does, what do they want? I'm just like, it's cool. It was just a fist bump, you know? And that like, protectiveness carried on even when I started dating people seriously. Like for example, when me and my partner, we've been together for like over seven years...

[00:11:53] but in the first, I want to say two years, two [00:12:00] years, um, of my relationship with my partner, my dad was very, very like cordial. Like he wasn't warm, he wasn't cold either, but it was very much like this is a business arrangement. We do not know each other. Well, hello, sir. You know, shake hands super formally.

[00:12:17] Um, uh, my partner must've been like spooked. But after some number of years, I think after the two year mark, like once, once it was like, okay, he's been around for two years. I guess he's, I guess he's the real deal. Um, my dad started being more warm to my partner. Um, example being like Mike, that's the name of my partner.

[00:12:46] He really, really, really likes Viet food. Um, I think he developed his palate while dating me to be honest. Cause I don't think he ever ate Viet food when we weren't dating. But one of his favorite dishes is, you know, the quintessential [00:13:00] pho, or as the North American peeps like to say foe. It's pho. Like a question.

[00:13:08] Pho. He really likes pho so my dad would, whenever, you know, Mike had time to come around because we were long distance for, I think like two and a half years. Whenever Mike and I, whenever our schedules aligned and Mike was over, uh, if my dad knew Mike was coming over, he would like, kinda be like, you know, hey mom, maybe we should make some pho for him.

[00:13:35] And it was just so cute. You know, like my dad is the kind of guy who he showed his love through gifts and acts of service. Right. So he would. Oh, you need, you need your car needs to be washed? Let me, let me go, let me go get the car washed. Or you need some gas I'll fill up your gas for you, you know, or like if your car was in the driveway and it was snowing, he would like wipe the snow [00:14:00] off for you, that type of stuff.

[00:14:02] So the fact that he wanted to

[00:14:08] get Mike his favorite Vietnamese dish was really nice. Really nice. Um, sometime before my parents passed

[00:14:24] my dad and Mike actually had a really nice, like first hug together. Yeah. Like they've never hugged until just before. So I'm really glad that they had that opportunity to man hug it out. I remember it was a beautiful sight. My dad was like the kind of person who

[00:14:57] prioritized making sure [00:15:00] that we had the resources we needed. Like. As I said, he's up, he was a provider like food shelter, food, shelter, clothes, shoes, education, electronics for education, like a laptop. I mean, he, he definitely prevented you, from having fun with your friends, um, especially like people of the opposite sex, but for the things that you, you know, you'd be fortunate enough to have

[00:15:27] th the, you know, the, the, the bottom of the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, he made sure that you got. I am appreciative of that. Earlier, I did say that we butt heads. Um, when I was a teenager, especially, uh, I was, uh, very cheeky when I was a teenager. So we didn't understand each other very much. I think too, I didn't really know myself then either.

[00:15:53] I was just trying to navigate. I think I was just crushing on guys to be really honest and coasting [00:16:00] through school, like getting good grades, but definitely coasting. Um, we didn't understand each other very much. I don't think we had conflicts in grade school. I think the ma the major thing that happened in high school was my dad found out that

[00:16:16] this guy that was like five years older than me, that I was friends with. My dad happened to know his parents or did know his parents at some point, and I guess like that relationship wasn't good. So, you know, he extrapolated and was like, I do not want you to associate yourself with this guy. And I remember crying in the washroom.

[00:16:36] Uh, it was very like, Like you're already stuck in the house and you can't hang out with people and you can only hang out with specific people. And now you're telling me I can't even talk online to this person just because you don't like their parents now. It's tough, tough for, you know, 14, 15 year old me.

[00:16:55] The next thing I remember we fought about was... in my [00:17:00] lifetime, was what I was going to do for school. I remember being in grade 12, wanting to become a psychologist because I really liked behavioral psychology. I ended up coming to this conclusion in part on my own. Like I was like, eh, this is going to take forever and it's not going to pay a lot of money.

[00:17:18] So maybe I'll switch to pharm, pharmacology, pharmacist stuff. But even then my dad, I was kind of surprised that my dad didn't like the idea because you know, there's a lot of parents who would be very happy if you went into the healthcare. But he didn't like it. And instead he was like, why don't you go into business?

[00:17:36] There's so much more earning potential, which is, which is true. Like with business, um, business jobs, like marketing jobs, finance jobs, the, the salary, the entry-level salary that you're going to get is much lower than something like nursing, where you're guaranteed a certain amount and you're guaranteed raises each year, [00:18:00] especially if you're in a union.

[00:18:01] But my thing was like, I don't want to be a business person. But the pressure was strong. Lots of crying, but the pressure was strong and I ended up like going to university, to a business school, uh, due to my, my dad's pressure. I don't resent him for it. I, well, I resented him for it when I was younger. I have more empathy for him now.

[00:18:25] He just wanted me to get a job that in his view, you wouldn't have to worry about money, even if that was something that was going to take time. Cause like, I mean, what are you gonna do and make a million when you first started business job? I don't think so. On my end, even though I ultimately pivoted out of business, like I did spend like two years as an advertiser and then eventually became like entered the world of STEM and to the world of tech became a software developer.

[00:18:55] I did learn things in business school that helped me like soft skills, presentation [00:19:00] skills, public speaking skills, networking skills. And those are very strong skills for me today. Like to the point where I don't really have to cold apply for jobs. I'll just by way of connection or people reaching out to me, whether it's recruiters or engineering managers, not a problem.

[00:19:20] So I don't resent my dad anymore for pushing me to do that. What other things did we argue about? Oh, we argued about my relationship. Like he's coming from a very conservative. Like he's very conservative. I think he also came from a conservative upbringing, ethnic upbringing. And to him, it was just like absolutely unfathomable that I was going to stay overnight at my partner's place.

[00:19:53] You know, granted I'm like a grown woman, but he was just like, you're moving too fast. Don't you think you're moving [00:20:00] too fast. I'm like, like, you know, me, I use my head right. And explained to him like, you know, what are you going to do someday? Just jump into a marriage with someone, with someone, uh, without even living together with them without even seeing how they handle their affairs without, without being up close and personal.

[00:20:20] I don't think so. I mean, I said it was a lot more convincing, but that's the, that's the truncated version of my appeal to my dad. And although my dad and I butt heads a lot, we would always reach the point of like, you know, I personally wouldn't do that, but I see where you're coming from my dad and I listened to reason with each other.

[00:20:40] So even when we didn't agree with each other, it was like, you know, I see your point. I see your point. Um, and so we, we would just end up like having to agree, not to disagree, agreeing, oh, agreeing to disagree. Aside from fights, like we had a couple of like big ones just because like, we were so [00:21:00] opposite each other

[00:21:00] in our viewpoints, but like some nice bonding moments I really enjoyed after I graduated from school. Because I think while I was in school, like to him, it was just like, school is the gateway. You know, school is the gateway. Education is the gateway for you to get a job so that you don't have to worry about being homeless.

[00:21:20] So while I was in school, he was super, super strict too, I think so that I could pay attention to school. I mean, I coasted regardless and slept in class, but alas, once I got graduated from school, it was kinda like, well, you are in a real adult now. That was a funny, funny line that I noticed with my dad.

[00:21:43] He was just like, I mean, yeah, you're like 21 now all of a sudden, just because you have a degree, I'm going to let you free. You know, I'm like cool. Like great. But also huh? But yeah, after, after I graduated, I felt like the [00:22:00] worry that was in the way was gone. He did have, he still had worries in the sense that it's like, okay, well you still have to climb up the, the money ladder.

[00:22:09] You're still my daughter type of things. But like, other than that, it was kinda like, it was fine. But I think from the point that I graduated, we were able to speak to each other as if we were like adults to adults. So I think at that point, especially, my dad would come to me more about his worries with my siblings.

[00:22:28] So it was like he was confiding in me as a fellow person with responsibilities to the people in our family. And so it was stressful in a way, because I felt very much in the middle between two people that I love, or two groups of people that I really love, my parents and my siblings, but it was also nice to be trusted with his fears.

[00:22:52] Especially because I grew up in a household where I was like, you solve your problems. You're, self-sufficient no fear, but [00:23:00] while while at the same time, encouraging us to share fears, our fears. while also making it kind of a scary environment to share fears. It was very confusing, but yeah, we would talk about like, you know, fulfillment in our lives, fulfillment in our work, because that was something that we still clashed on.

[00:23:18] He would be like, you know, you and your siblings should create a business together. And I'm like, dad, no, no, no, no, no, no. I do not want to work with my family members or the people I'm dating or whatever. There needs to be a separation here. You know why? Because think about it dad. Let's say I were to do a crap job

[00:23:38] working for you. You really think given your concern with my financial stability, you really think you can fire me. I don't think so. And you need to, like, as a business owner, you need to be able to cut people who are low performing and he could see what I meant. And also I have no passion [00:24:00] or desire to work in your industry.

[00:24:02] And I think you need that. Like like some level of interest, not even necessarily passion so that you can do it longterm. And he agreed with me. He agreed with me. Interestingly, he actually thought it was cooler that I had my own blog, like, cause cause to him, I was like, oh, like it was the closest thing to me having my own business as, as him having his own business.

[00:24:25] Um, so he was just like, yeah. Self-made yeah, yeah. Freedom. And like, I get you. I get you. Uh, but I think, I don't think that people should start businesses just because they want to be their own boss. Like you, you need a lot more thought into it. Like, what mission can you cont... work for for years, you know, through, through trials and tribulation, what can you work for?

[00:24:54] And like, if tool and die, if lifestyle blogging is not [00:25:00] that, then I'm not going to do it. No matter how much of my own boss I can be. So he agreed. I remember that conversation. We would have a lot of, we would have a lot of, a lot of conversations, a lot of bonding in his, uh, Ford truck. What was it like the Ford F150?

[00:25:18] I think that's a truck model. We'd have a lot of, uh, daughter, father, daughter bonding in his truck. And he agreed with me. Like, you need, you need to be able to be, you need to be interested to be committed. Back to like who he was as an individual. He was the kind of man that I think he spent most of his life stressed to be very honest.

[00:25:40] And that does make me sad. I hope that he, I don't know, died peacefully, but I guess I'll never know. But he was the kind of man,[00:26:00]

[00:26:01] he was the kind of man that like wanted to retire out in the country. I don't know if that's because of his interest when he was back in Vietnam or if it's just his disposition or the amount of stress that he had during his life to just provide for everyone. But he wanted to retire out in the country someday.

[00:26:22] You know. Live on a farm, which was a very interesting dream because my mother likes to be in the city and is very chatty, but he wants to retire out in the country and raise chickens. And I think like other animals, but like chickens, I think were the main thing. Uh, wanted and a quiet life. Whenever he was home, he was just like watching TV, watching TV or spending time with his kids.

[00:26:47] If, if he had the, uh, energy, As I said always stressed while he was alive, I want to say, but smiled through through it all. Yeah. I think even when he was stressed at work, he would just always make sure that he was going to be very [00:27:00] pleasant, pleasant, and warm to his clients and he would always call them, Hey buddy, like, Hey buddy, how are you doing, buddy?

[00:27:10] Super cute. Other random memories that I have of him are you know, just telling him, telling him to rest, telling him to prioritize his own happiness. Like it's okay to hang out with your friends if that's like every Sunday after church. Cause uh, I did grow up Catholic, but personally I'm non-religious now, but you know, church was a big thing for him and he had friends in church.

[00:27:32] And if you want to hang out with your friends after church, by all means it's okay. Take your Sunday. I told you he was a handy person, a handyman. So he would work out in the yard a lot. Um, when we were kids, especially. If he was working out there for a long time, we'd get him a cup of water and bring it out to him and have him...

[00:27:51] I don't know if he was thirsty when he got the cup of water, but every time he would down it, he would just chug it and give it back to us. [00:28:00] And it made us feel important. I don't know if he ever had to do it like for show but we would do that. He also had a big like gut, uh, when he was in, when we were younger, he still had a belly when we were older, but like he started working out and stuff and getting healthier and like eating less rice, you know, intaking a lot less sugar.

[00:28:26] So his belly got smaller. But back when he had a bigger belly, when we were kids, we would like put our faces on his belly and he would breathe and his belly... like our faces would move up. Right. Cause we're lying on his belly. Another random memory is, I don't know where this came from, but like, uh, it must have, it must have carried from when we were babies, like, like, like really small, but whenever my dad would sneeze, someone was always racing to get him a kleenex.

[00:28:56] Like, even if we're on the second floor of the house or something like that. Cause at some point [00:29:00] we, we, we did, uh, his business got to the point where we were able to live in a house with a second floor. Not always though. Um, as soon as you heard the big old ah choo someone was running to get a Kleenex. Giving it to him.

[00:29:15] Maybe he didn't even need the Kleenex. Maybe he didn't have to blow his nose, but every time he would just ceremoniously blow his nose. And I, I dunno, it was just a nice, like random activity together. I have a lot of love for my dad. We were very stubborn when we, when I was younger. We didn't understand each other when we were younger.

[00:29:42] I think I complained about him a lot when I was like 13, but, but towards the, I think like... when I entered my twenties, we had pretty good relationship as adults to adults, um, to the point where we never got to do this, but like to the point [00:30:00] where, um, we were going to like start double dating, like me, me and my partner and my parents.

[00:30:06] Oh, that whole thing would have been interesting. Just like, I'm your daughter, but like also I am a grown woman. I'm dating someone I've been dating for them for a long time. And let's go on a double date that would have been cute. But, uh, I've gotten to the point where I, even if I still wouldn't implement some of the things that he tried to teach me, what I have got... The place that I've gotten to is that I have more empathy for the things that he was trying to, the love that he was trying to give me.

[00:30:42] And when he passed, I realized that I had a lot of closure, thankfully, because I was able to say everything that I wanted to say when he was, uh, when he was [00:31:00] alive, the only thing that I regret, and this is just the nature of somebody dying suddenly... the only thing I regret is I couldn't show him like, yes, I was able to say everything that I wanted to say, but I couldn't show him everything

[00:31:12] I want to show him because we just didn't have the time. But this was a very special episode to commemorate my Binh Mr. Ben Doan. Mr. Hey buddy. Mr. Doan Thanh Binh. Mr. Former big belly, former smoker, forever provider forever father figure. I'm pre I, I sure hope I don't forget the way my dad looks, but I'm certain he had a gap tooth.

[00:31:48] Yeah. The gap tooth and really misaligned teeth. But... and haha bad breath. He was very cleanly with his teeth brushing, but I don't know, just something. [00:32:00] And he had a big old, bald spot in the center of his head. He just had like, I don't even know, like the rim. He had the peninsula, but all the way around and nothing in the middle. Couple of gray hairs., Man. This episode is to commemorate him.

[00:32:21] He will be immortalized forever on my super humble podcast, Candid and Cringe, about growth and the roller coaster of life. Today, you've heard my story. My story with my dad. My relationship with my dad. My dad's story, as much as I could, um, tell it in a vacuum and he will live live forever on the internet, or at least as long as I have this domain. That is something I worry about.

[00:32:50] Like, yeah, I'm trying to immortalize myself and the stories that I have to tell on the internet so I can cheat death, but at some point. What is going to happen to [00:33:00] the domain. Like yeah, you can pay for it while you're alive, but what's going to happen when you die. I'm trying to think about that. Like, do I just pay someone to, how do I pay somebody to like, keep the domain going?

[00:33:12] Is there a service out there? I can keep domains going. I dunno, for like 500 years. Forever. Virtual infinity. I sure hope so. That way our stories can live on and I hope at least while I'm alive the stories can live on through you. My beautiful listeners. I hope you felt my love. I hope you felt my sincerity, my tears, which I'm not embarrassed about, to be honest, I just don't like... what I don't like about tears is that it makes my voice crack and then I can't get out what I want to say.

[00:33:49] That's the annoying part. I personally find it highly amusing to cry. I even like crying, but I hope you, I hope your heart was touched. And I hope [00:34:00] if it causes you to reflect on your relationship with your dad, beautiful. And if your dad's already passed away and you want to reflect on life that you had together, please do.

[00:34:12] If you want to reach out and talk about it, I am at clearlythuydoan on Twitter also at Candid and Cringe, and I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful day. Toodaloo.