Candid and Cringe

Ep. 008
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[00:00:00] Thuy Doan: Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of Candid and Cringe, a podcast about growth and the rollercoaster of life. Today's episode is about boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I could talk all day about boundaries. Uh, I think there are a lot of different types of boundaries. Boundaries at work, um, boundaries between friends. Boundaries between family members. Uh, boundaries between people on the internet.

[00:00:44] That's a new one for me. I probably will split this out into different parts. Especially because I, I can really, really talk about boundaries between friends. I think that's because I have the most memorable experiences. [00:01:00] Breaking up with friends, so to speak. There's a lot of boundary setting in my family.

[00:01:06] Um, although I think that's a little bit more emotionally charged. Uh, the feelings from that time, it's more, um, it's much more sensitive than with the friendship stuff, but the friendship stuff, I'm pretty much over it, but like with the family stuff, I think that's ongoing. Um, until, you know, somebody gets too old and kicks the bucket.

[00:01:28] Alas. We are not there right now. So I think I mentioned in a, another episode that I started a new job in December. Been here a little over three months. It was kinda rocky at first. Um, but things are on the up and up. Adjusting, but generally proud of the work that I'm doing. And I'm excited about what I'm learning.

[00:01:51] However, because my job is now in an area called like developer relations, developer advocacy, there's a lot [00:02:00] more publicity. Public facing work, um, that has resulted in unwanted attention from certain people. In general, since like, I would even say the, my space days, I was on Twitter pretty early. I joined oh, 2009, July, 2009, then there's the whole MySpace deal.

[00:02:25] Like I've always been... it's not that I've ever never went private. I have, especially on Instagram, just because that's like super personal., if I'm going hiking, like I like to share pictures from like what I've done that day. Right? So that's like really, that's an inside look in my life., but for all intents and purposes, I've always been pretty public about, you know, what's been going on in my career,

[00:02:47] what's been going on in my life, with the exception of the super, super personal stuff. That's, that's reserved for family and close friends. Um, and mentors if relevant. But, [00:03:00] because I've started doing this work, um, I've noticed some, some differences with the way that the internet has interacted with me and now. And, it has resulted in me having to set up boundaries that I didn't think that I would need.

[00:03:19] So let's see... where to start. In the last six months or so I've started, like I've been active on Twitter. The things that are new are I've joined like slack communities and Discord communities. Uh, some of them are... actually, most of them are developer related. Some of them are not. Like I subscribed to, or I've pledged dollars per month to Patreon creators...

[00:03:50] and a lot of them have Discord channels related to their work. An exclusive community. So I'm in those two, but for the [00:04:00] most part, I'm in developer related ones. And ever since I've been in Discord servers, for reasons other than gaming, or pop culture entertainment, I've noticed an influx of random people who are not my friends, who think that they can DM me because we're in the same server.

[00:04:25] And like my favorite developer community server is one that we affectionately call RWC. Rendezvous with Cassidoo... um, which belongs to a developer named Cassidy Williams, who I love. Not seriously love, but you know, love. So I'm in I'm in her Discord community. And by and large, it's a very supportive community.

[00:04:52] People are very transparent about the active people are very transparent about what they're paid. Are very transparent about [00:05:00] what's happening at work. People who are both active and not active are, when the time comes, when they're applying for jobs, and they get rejected or accepted, they're very transparent about that too.

[00:05:14] It's very, very refreshing. At the same time, I think the level of, of detail and the amount of information that is shared in there professionally, um, make some people think that we are now tight. And yes, like I consider them to be my Discord friends, some of them more possible to be IRL friends than others. But the lines are a little bit blurred when you talk to each other that much as a community that is, um, in the Discord channel.

[00:05:54] So I've had people when I was going through my job search last year, I've had [00:06:00] people message me. And they were probably being friendly. It's not that I think that there was any bad intent whatsoever, but I remember just feeling like I don't consider you to be a person that I would share inside information about how I feel about this process in a DM.

[00:06:20] Like if the amount of information that I'm comfortable sharing with you is what it is... whatever's in the public server channel, I don't know why you feel like we're on a level... especially because we've never interacted directly in a public server channel... I don't know why you would think that we are on DM status because we are not.

[00:06:44] And it's from those experiences that I started... and that's just in discord that I Discord... thinking like, huh, I might have to reevaluate the whole DMs being open to everybody thing, [00:07:00] and who are actually my friends, my connections, who has access to my data on social media. There are other examples, too, similar situation on Twitter. People, people DM-ing me about things.

[00:07:19] Or though it's somehow a little bit more cordial on Twitter. I don't usually get hate or anything. Right. Hate or, um, well there was one person who was very uncomfortable. Um, but over time I think they said that they, they understood what was happening and backed off. So that was good. But have you ever had... so like I'm, you know, approaching, approaching my, my midlife crisis,

[00:07:50] so to speak. And I've gotten to the phase in life where random people from high school [00:08:00] will hit you up out of nowhere and be like, Hey, Hey, how you, how are you? Hey, how you doing? How you is? Um, you know, back in the day, I thought you were real great. I couldn't tell you before, you know. And the vibe is basically like... I'm being... I'm prioritizing entertainment there and the paraphrasing of what they said. But essentially imagine creepy dude from your high school who, you know, you were cordial with before, even friendly, reaching out to you and just insinuating that they had feelings for you when they were dating other people in high school and just like baiting you to

[00:08:46] know more. this I'm just like, first of all, allegedly, you are con you were convicted for child pornography. [00:09:00] This is a real situation, by the way, you were allegedly convicted of child pornography. I don't want to be speaking to you. And number two, even if that wasn't the case. I am not trying to have the shady conversation with you about how you supposedly were attracted to me while you were dating two other people in high school.

[00:09:23] No. Plus I have a partner of like over seven years who I love dearly and I do not want to be talking to you. Um, when that happened to me, I automatically, like, text messaged uh, our mutual friend from high school, who is a good friend of mine. And it was just like, this guy is whack. And, and the... k that's that's what's happening on Facebook.

[00:09:54] It even happens on LinkedIn. I think women are not surprised by this. People, they get hit [00:10:00] on all the time on, on even professional social networks. But this happens, this happens, people. If this surprises you, I don't know where you been. I don't know what rock you've been under, but the harrassment is everywhere.

[00:10:16] Anyways, so those are some examples, like happens on Instagram too, where it's just like the very brief uncomfortable situation gives me an opportunity to reassess whether this connection is worth having. This digital connection is worth having. Now, I am... The reason why this is an opportunity to reflect on that is because...

[00:10:43] I mean, you could have like 700, a thousand, 2000 people that you're connected to, or if you're like a big shot on Twitter, you got like tens of thousands, a hundred thousand. A hundred thousand people, even 700 people are not on your mind all the time. So unless it [00:11:00] becomes top of mind, you don't really get a chance to reflect on it. Unless, you're S... you're someone who's going to meticulously go through your friends list every day, every week of your life.

[00:11:11] So these situations gave me the opportunity to reflect. Do I want this person to see the stories on Instagram that I put up... to.... Do I want to keep this person as a connection with me on Twitter, knowing that they're going to respond to everything that I tweet about. Um, and DM me every, every time I talk about certain things. Now, I'm not saying I don't want people to interact me, interact with me.

[00:11:40] That's not what I'm saying. But just imagine that feeling of like your coworker following you on Twitter and that feeling of dread that you might have when every single thing that you tweet is something that they may respond to or even do respond to?[00:12:00]

[00:12:02] That feeling helps you realize at what point... Where is your balance? Where is your line? And I've been learning that for the last couple of months. What I've done as a response to that is... well, even before this thing... I, you know, liberally use the mute, mute feature. If I don't like seeing somebody on my timeline, mute, mute, or block, if it's a really, really, really bad, then it's a block.

[00:12:36] Otherwise just mute it. HIde it. I muted phrases. I've made a words. Um, but I've on Twitter. I've decided to go the route of closing my DMS to everyone but the people that I'm connected to. I'm sure there are people who've slipped through the cracks that I've forgotten about but at this point, [00:13:00] let's just roughly say if we're already connected, that should mean that I'm okay with you messaging.

[00:13:08] There will be some pruning. There has been some pruning already, but that's the route that I'm going for. If you're a stranger, it's like, there's no need for you to jump into my DMS. If you want to talk to me at. At me. Reply to my tweet. Request that you get access to my DMS and we can go from there. I, to me, like immediately jumping into my DMs on Twitter feels almost as intimate as someone texting me on my phone to my phone number.

[00:13:42] Um, so there needs to be a stop gap between that in my inbox. That's the move that I made there on Discord. I closed... I've also closed my DMs to people unless we are mutual [00:14:00] friends. Um, and I took that opportunity to go through my list of friends, quote unquote, and unfriend, anyone that I was a little too lax in accepting before.

[00:14:16] And so we are no longer friends. On, uh, Facebook and Instagram that required the most effort, because those are connections that I've had since like high school or university. Right. And like on Facebook, there's like what, like 1200 people. Instagram, there was, there was, I think, close to a thousand or something like that, but I've..

[00:14:47] I've cut probably several hundreds of people from those lists starting with who has already DM'd me and made me feel highly [00:15:00] uncomfortable. Those people went first. The second was, um, the second group to go where, who wa, who has not messaged me lately? So the first one is like, who has messaged me recently?

[00:15:14] And gives me the creeps. And made me really uncomfortable. Um, delete. Second group is who hasn't messaged me recently, but has messaged me before and made me uncomfortable delete. And third was more hypothetical. It was who, if they did message me wanting to hang out or know more personal details about my life, would I feel uncomfortable with being connected with? Gone.

[00:15:42] And this was a great exercise for me because I used to be a person... I mean, I'm still sort of this way, but I used to be a person who... bring on the connections because I'm nosy. And I want to know. I like information. Okay. Information is power. [00:16:00] The more that I know, the more in control that I am. And I think at the beginning of this podcast, uh my listeners have...

[00:16:10] You already have a sense of the fact that I don't like being I don't like being out of control. So yes, there's a little bit of nosiness. Like, Ooh, what's going on with your life? But the other is data. But at some point the value of that data is no longer there. Or the value is the same, but other things have higher priority, which is my safety and comfort and mental health.

[00:16:39] So, uh, I used to kind of laugh at people who would announce... it's the announcement, uh, would announce that... hey, it's not personal. I just want to, I just want to keep this space safe, um, free of bad [00:17:00] vibes, and I'm going to cut. I'm going to cut people. Um, if, if you see this you've made the cut, right? I just thought it was... what's more, what's funny to me is the fact that they had to announce it and maybe that's because they already knew that they were going to cut people that were going to be controversial.

[00:17:20] Like, you know, that person who, who might think that you're friends, but now you want to cut them. There there probably were those types of situations. For me, I'm just like, I don't understand why... I don't see the value of making an announcement. I'm gonna delete you. Um, and if you try to friend request me again, I am going to remove it or just leave it there.

[00:17:43] You don't need an explanation. If we're not buddies, you don't need an explanation. However, if you're going to suddenly cut off, I don't know, a five-year friendship, 10 year friendship, um, and it, it's not [00:18:00] threatening to your physical being and your mental health... to give them an explanation. I would just give them an explanation, but by all means, if you don't feel uns... if you don't feel safe, cut them. Cut them.

[00:18:17] I'm a little bit more understanding of people ghosting these days. Uh, generally I'm quite quite critical of people ghosting people because I think it's cowardice. Um, Uh, because I've just observed that most people don't like direct confrontation, but I have matured to the point where I am understanding that there are simply people who do not feel safe being direct with people.

[00:18:44] And there are very real threats. Um, for example, in the workplace, your boss may be harassing you. Um, and like, it is very easy with my personality to just be like, stand up to them. But you also have [00:19:00] to be really aware of things like the difference in power, right? The person's financial position. Um, how badly do they need that job?

[00:19:09] Like, do they feel safe giving that feedback? Right? Do they fear retaliation? Those are very real things. So I, I want to leave room for that. In future podcast episodes I want to talk more about boundaries. Um, in this episode, we talk more about the boundaries that we have to put between ourselves and other people on the internet, or at least the boundaries that I have decided to put between myself and the people on the internet.

[00:19:32] Um, it's very interesting the line when you come across it, like for example, there is a person who I, you know, by all intents and purposes, like in my discord channel, As soon as that person became connected to me on Instagram, it became too much. And I didn't realize it until they were friends with me on Instagram [00:20:00] and started responding to my stories.

[00:20:04] And as soon... I'm somebody who like I am very quick to cut things. Um, in extreme scenarios. Uh, that is a good thing because I can do it. Um, in regular, everyday things where people, you know, can get second chances. Um, I am quite rigid with that. So I know that that is, uh, a downfall of mine in regular circumstances. But, uh, that person...

[00:20:36] so far right now, I've dealt with it. When I have that type of situation where I'm not sure if I want to delete the person, um, or just prevent them from seeing my stuff on Instagram, I will just hide my stories from them and leave it at that. And then for another day, cut them. If they're really bad, I'm going to cut you right away. In the future

[00:20:59] [00:21:00] I want to talk more about boundaries with family members. I think that's a really hard one for people, especially when you grow up in an ethnic culture that values family, and the group, and the community, and presenting this image of a wonderful tight knit bond that you all have as blood brothers and sisters.

[00:21:25] I definitely want to talk about friendship breakups. I'm a big fan of proactive friendship breakups. Um, what else? Ooh. Boundaries at work. Boundaries at work. I want to talk about that too. So many things talk about... I also own a book. I bought it recently, but I haven't read it yet. It is about boundaries.

[00:21:45] I can't remember what it's called, but I am very curious to see how my view of boundaries changes after. Like, from [00:22:00] now to when I read that book. Let's see, I'm on Amazon. I tried. Okay. Set Boundaries, Find Peace. In books. Yes. There's even a workbook. Okay. But I got it... I believe a, I believe a therapist of sorts wrote this book.

[00:22:20] I follow them on Instagram, but I'm not entirely sure. Their name is Nedra Glover Tawwab. . But I bought this book because on Twitter, I saw someone talking about this book. I think I actually first saw it on Instagram. Someone who I look up to in the professional world tweeted about it. Um er not tweeted about it.

[00:22:41] Um, Instagram storied it. But on Twitter someone was also talking about it. Just a random person. And what they said really made me think, Ooh, I'm intrigued. I'm going to buy this book. That person... that stranger on Twitter said something along the lines of like, I thought I was good at boundaries. [00:23:00] I've been doing it all my life.

[00:23:01] I can cut people, no problem. But even I learned things from reading this book, like more, I guess, more ways to set boundaries. So I'm very, I, I resonate with what that person said. I feel like I'm really good. Um, with boundaries to the point of being very, very regimented and strict. You could say, um, I'm excited to learn what new things I can learn about boundaries.

[00:23:31] And then, you know, maybe... no promises. I need to stay away from promises because the freedom of talking about whatever I want whenever I want on my podcast. But someday this might result in a revisiting of boundaries in a future podcast. And I'm excited to see what the difference is on my end and what the difference is from your perspective.

[00:23:56] It's a Saturday over here. It's gloomy, but [00:24:00] I'm, I'm hoping that the weather is great wherever you are. And if it's not, I hope that whatever your weekend looks like, whatever your sky looks like, your weather, you're having a very restful day before you go back to work. Thanks everyone. Toodaloo.